A Horse Rectum Primer
The Tacoma Weekly, February 2003

Fear Factor has ruined television. The hit show that features contestants performing gross-out stunts for prize money has raised the bar so incredibly high that no other reality show can compete.   But the bar can only go so high, and now Fear Factor is the victim of its own disturbed genius.  

Each week, when it appears that Fear Factor has reached the apex of cruel and disgusting gimmickry, they circle the wagons and come back with something even more outrageous and nauseating. Remember when they buried a woman in live snakes? Pretty gross. Then they came back with pig uterus skeeball. How do you possibly top pig uterus skeeball? You don't. Not in this lifetime.

And then, as if touched by the hand of God, Fear Factor not only topped pig uterus skeeball, but exponentially raised the "Aw, that's fucked up" quotient to levels that quantum physics is currently unable to calculate. This is the actual cable guide synopsis of last week's episode:  "Contestants eat horse rectum."   Of course they do. I mean, why wouldn't they? Our economy is in shambles. A messy war with Iraq appears inevitable. The North Koreans are building nuclear bombs.   And contestants eat horse rectum. In a global context, it makes perfect sense.

Sure, there are plenty of other reality shows to watch: Joe Millionaire, The Bachelorette, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, and Survivor to name a few. But are any of them eating horse rectum? I don't think so. And therein lies the problem: Horse rectum is a tough act to beat.

This week, the American Music Awards marked the official beginning of award show season. In a curious bit of casting, all four Orbournes were tapped to host the AMA's: Ozzy, Sharon, Kelli and Jack. It was like really bad vaudeville, with a constant stream of profanity. Imagine Shecky Green with Tourette's.  

The show had some entertaining moments - Including Tim McGraw singing the Elton John classic "Tiny Dancer," a song that always makes me laugh. I have this friend at the New York Times who for years thought the lyrics were "Hold Me Closer Tony Danza." Now there's a song. Missy Elliot got her freak on, Shania dressed like a robot, and Bobby Brown was so full of gack he thought it was karaoke night at Fibber Magees. But as much as this pains me to admit, Christina Aguilera was the show's standout performer.

I need to say one thing about Aguilera. When I heard her single "Dirrty" a few months ago, I thought "Hey, look at that. She wrote a song about her vagina."   But her new song "Beautiful," dare I say, is the best song of the year.   Springsteen may have the sympathetic edge for "The Rising" and all its post 9/11 implications, but Christina will be right there with him. Remember I said that at Grammy time.

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