(A Horse Rectum Primer Page 2 of 2)
Eminem, Creed and The Dixie Chicks were the night's big winners, but none of them showed-up to collect their awards. Viewers didn't show up either, as the AMA's posted its lowest ratings in history. Apparently, audiences were watching Fear Factor, where contestants were transferring live rats from one person's mouth to another. Under most circumstances, I'd be like "Cool, they've got live rats in their mouths." But now, NBC has painted itself into this precarious corner: If they're not eating horse rectum, I'm not watching.
To my disappointment, CBS called off plans for a reality show based on the classic series Beverly Hillbillies. After a highly-publicized "hick hunt," producers claimed they were unable to find a suitable family to star in the show. Hold on -- CBS couldn't find a family of hillbillies? Are you kidding me? Hillbillies are everywhere, with the notable exception of libraries and dentist chairs. There's even a hillbilly in New York City. Check out Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey and tell me there isn't a Hatfield or a McCoy somewhere on his family tree.
I really want this Beverly Hillbillies reality show to happen, so I'm going to help CBS. In fact, I'm going to give them directions to a place where hillbillies roam free, like lions on the Serengeti. Got a pen, CBS? You might want to jot this down: Go south. Hang a left at Tennessee. Go past the fireworks stand and the burned-out Shoney's. Now stop and spit. That guy you just hit, with the fourteen naked kids, the sixteen year-old wife and the three-legged dog? Probably a hillbilly. Now sign them up, and make this thing happen.
I think my favorite television moment of the new year comes from the WB's reality show Surreal Life. For the uninitiated, Surreal Life is a celebrity-driven Real World rip-off, featuring MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Vince Neil of Motley Crue, and the ever-fragile Corey Feldman, star of Meatballs 4 and wearer of the Michael Jackson "Bad" jacket and sequined glove until about six months ago. In a classic moment, Corey Feldman is seen bragging to Vince Neil about his sexual exploits in Hollywood. Think about that for a second: Feldman. Bragging to Vince Neil. About sex. That's like me bragging to Tiger Woods about my golf game. I don't doubt that Feldman has banged his share of Hollywood skanks, but please : We're talking about Vince Neil here. During his twenty year stint as Motley Crue's bad-boy frontman, Vince has had every variety of sex with every mathematical combination of partners. By the late 80's, Vince had to start making up new kinds of sex just to keep things interesting.
Sure, Surreal Life has some stiff competition, going up against perennial Thursday night favorites CSI and Will and Grace. But here's the bottom line: Feldman is a huge jack-ass, and he's going to cry in this week's episode. For my money, that's Must-See TV.
One last note: Meet My Folks premieres this week on NBC. This is the show where women compete for a vacation with a hunky guy by spending time with his parents and submitting to a lie detector test. You can bet the lie detector questions will include "Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend," "Have you ever been arrested," and if we're lucky, "Have you even eaten horse rectum."
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